ugh i dont want to go!

im going to QLD for 10 days.

it would be ok it i was going with friends.

im not.

im going with family.

im thinking its probably going to be hell.

i dont think i have internet... that means no blogs :(

but you never know.

maybe i will find some awsome people

and party with them on the beach

untill the early morning and my parents will never know.

i doubt it.

ugh fuck.

i just want to stay here with my friends.

i cant escape this.

words vs actions

words are cheap.
actions.
thats what i want.

i dont want promises.
i dont want words.
i want to see it.
SHOW ME.

you and me

i am volatile.
i am at war with myself and often
the ones closest to me
are injured in my battles.
should they choose to stay close to me,
fight alongside me.
and as much as i want you to stay
i will want you to leave
when you get to close.
and i could tell you a milliontimes
that you would never be prepared
for my running.
i will catch you of guard
pull you in
and then disapear.
dont let me.
run with me.
please.
stay safe.

midnight

i have had the most amasing wonderful past few days.
i have had so much fun.
sneaking out.
midnight car trips.
learning to drive.
running around in parks.
eating maccas when it shouldnt even be open.
crashing randoms parties.
so many memories i will never forget.
but even though i was sorrounded by friends i was still alone.
more than ever.
i was only truly happy when i was drunk.
and even then thats not happy.
i love you so much.
im sorry for all the pain.

WHY,WHY ME?!

im at war with my self. i stand distant from my body as i watch my head tear apart my heart. i watch as my insides fall to the floor. my confidence flies away and i am left shaking. the little bit of hope i have is drenched in blood and hardly recognisable. life is unbarable. the truth is lost in this battle, it is deep inside hidden by the lies that have now been revealed. the lights are out and i cant see anything. that speck of light is gone.

"home" but not literally my house.

i think i have found a place where i fit it.

i never feel judged,

even though the people there probably judge all the time,

or maybe they dont...

i think they just judge people on different things.

i like it better this way.

all i want to do right now is be there.

i want to be with you.

jealous, happiness

the thought that you may be jealous of me one day made me happy.

i look up to you. even though you treat me as an equal im allways just behind. i love you so much. please never leave me. be here to help me, to watch over me.

copy cat, try hard, innocence.

why, fuck why?!
why do it just becausee of me?
dont do it because its 'cool'.
dont do it just beacuse i do.
youre all so fake.
so try hard.
stop it,
STOP IT!
just be yourself.
stop being everyone eles!
if you die of cancer,
i will blame it on myself.
so do you really want me to suffer anymore?!
just stop.
youre not even doing it right anyway. ha.
you embarass me.
im not sure i want to be friends with such try hards,
cause you will never get me.
do things for all the wrong reasons.
youre to innocent to understand.
dont steal my dreams.
dont steal me.

i dont care

people should stop getting angry at me smoking.

i honesly dont care if i get cancer.

oh and i dont do it because its "cool".

brakedown for nothing.

she is distraught, her mind spins in circles and so does the room. nothing out of the ordinary has happend but maybe thats the problem. nothing is working for her, just the tiny things. she cant find the camera cord, shes lost her friends dress and the computer is braking, it wont charge. shes just i bit pissed off and tired. she needs a ciggerette to calm her down, she wants to drink herself stupid to numb the pain, to watch teh blood come out, but she cant cause her parents are home. she starts to cry screaming at the top of her lungs. her body tenses but collapses at the same time. she throws herself onto the bed. slamming her hands down on the keybored. angry and frustrated. her eyes are sore and tired, blood shot from teh crying, her eyes bleed mascara down her face. she falls off the bed onto the floor. she wraps herself tightly in the duna, covering her face asamed to be herself. she doesnt even have a reason to feel this way, its just so stupid and pointless. thats what makes it worse. her head gets hot and she feels like throwing up. she has nothing to throw up; she hasnt eaten in hours. she just lays shaking in a messy heap, crying, wanting it to end, to not have to worry about fucking computer cords and friends dresses that are stolen or something. she wants to fly away.

him <3

i want him to love me.

i want to have that connection.
i want to never feel alone again.

its hurts to think he doesnt like me.

or does he?

:(

candles

i got really excited and lit a whole lot od candles. candles make me happy. if im ever in a bad mood and you want to cheer me up, buy me some candles.

locked out

i changed my password for my school server.

i don't know what it is.

oh god so much stress....

and i cant go to the tech lady 

because its probably i really fucked up password.

ugh.

unspoken words

there is a difference between what is SAID

and what is IMPLIED

while your words kiss my hand

the unspoken stabs my heart

AND THE TEARS ARE

DENIED

these feelings are unjustified.

lost words

i dont know what to say,

how to discribe this feeling,

this numbness,

this hurt,

its just a total confussion.

ugh where are those words i orded last week?!

xx

editing photos

i like editing random photos of friends. this is a really strange edit...

you animal

we are all animals.

we hunt eachother down

and then eat our pray alive.

you torture them,

tease them,

taunt them.

we get a thril from

seeing the fear in there eyes.

i wish we wernt animals.

i wish we were all kind to each other.

xx

libby

i think of her and instantly i start to ball my eyes out. i miss her so much, i really need her at the moment. all i want to do is wrap my arms around her and never let go, and for her to do the same. i want her to wisper in my ears and tell me its going to be ok and then give me some kind of amasing advise that i will remember for the rest of my life. but of course thats impossible becuase me shes on the other side of the world and no matter how many tears i cry shes not going to be here next to me. she has been though so much and she is the only one that understands me. i miss her so much and i think about her ever day, there is never a moment when im not. i love her more than any one eles in this world. come back to me :(

blindfolded

your better off behind that blindfold,

i dont want you to see.

i dont want to hurt you.

i cant just leave this all behind,

we cant run fast enough,

im getting tired,

it will catch us.

i can never go to you for help.

im so sorry?

im sorry for al the pain,

the disapiontment,

the lies,

the shame.

im sorry for being the dirt under the rugs.

sweep away all the complications of my life

so that it appears presentable.

i know you dont mean it like that,

i never meant to think this way.

its a whole different world that lies undiscovered by you,

and i would prefer to keep it that way?

i dont think you'd undertand,

i dont want your sympathy,

i dont want you to worry,

i dont want to hurt you again.

so i wont tell you,

il keep it inside untill i think your ready,

that may be never,

or it may be tomorrow,

but it can wait because i cant bare to hurt you.

xx

fake smiles

another fake smile appears on my face,

i know you see right through me.

is this my cue to laugh?
is this my cue to tell you im happy?

becuase im not.

i dont want to pretend anymore.

this is not the real me.

the real me doesnt know how to laugh anymore,

she doesnt know how to smile,

she doesnt understand happiness.

dont judge me.

please just dont judge me.

Purpose for the Pain

many disapointing trips to the mail box and almost two months later my book, Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe, finaly arives. thank you districtlines. i shall start to read straight away, maybe she will give me some insperation to write.

insanity

Have you ever felt your arms tense up, and suddenly had a massive urge to smash plates, scream as loud as you possibly could, and slide shiny objects across your skin, just to feel some kind of relief? She has. At first, she believed she was okay. At first, she simply dismissed these feelings as stress, or a result from it. Now, she feels possessed, driving herself to insanity. Now, she battles addiction. Because of giving in to the last one of those wants, urges, she can’t stop herself. Before school and after, she finds relief in pain for half an hour or so. When in class, it’s all she can think about. When she’s not thinking about it, she wonders if she truly is insane or just fucked up. It seems insanity is consuming her life like a planet being sucked into a black hole, or water going down the drain of the bath.

yer so my friend wrote that, clearly not me cause im not that amasing. theres more to this little piece of writting, i just liked this bit. hmm yep so that short paragraph explains me and how i feel alot of the time, though she didnt write it about me. me and the person she wrote about are similar.

xx

smoke

i really feel like another cigg... hmm yep thats all i had to say...

xx

the crowd

ill just keep my head down and stay with the crowd.

nightmare

ive been thinking,

my life is just another teenage life,

im not special,

i never was,

never will be.

this blog is stupid,

no one wants to hear about just another teenage nightmare;

they have there own to worry about.

no one would care is i was gone.

i do not fear dying,

but of living i do.

this is a constant nightmare that i cant escape,

i cant wake up,

im stuck and im falling.

ugh so many negitive thoughts.

ive got to get away...

ive got to get some relief.

dear mrs o... from alice

"why are you such drunk sluts" - Mrs O

i would like to show you a letter my friend wrote my evill yr level co-ordinator.

Dear Mrs Ondrachek
Yeah i cant spell your name.
Shit. End. of. the. freaking. World.
Okay so. Believe it or not... I'm a very
honest person... i have heard ALOT
about you and how much of a bitch
you are. Maybe it would be okay
if you were actually nice to Rah
then i wouldn't have to write you an
abusive letter. Unfortunately, you
sound liek a C.O.A.T (which stands for
cunt of a thing.) and i am
attempting to straiten out your
meanness and put you into line :)
It worked for my bitch of an art teacher in
year eight. I wrote her an abusive letter,
she cried and stopped being evil to me,
then we were friends.
So. Please stop being a bitch.
And be nice to Rah and stop
yelling at her and gving her deten-
tions. Thanks heaps.
Much love,
Alice Murray.
If you would like a more
"verbal" talking to,
please feel free to call
04********. or email me
at **********@hotmail.com
Great.
Thanks.
x



I think im quite happy with what she said. i shall give it to her at the end of the year. :D
hmm also soon i think i may make a list of the bitchy things mrs o has said to us and post it.

freedom of the holidays.

its almost the hollidays.
only a few days of school left,
the torture will be over soon.
then we will be free once again,
able to sleep in all day,
and stay up all night.
we will will have no responsilities,
no evil teahcers around,
no one to tell us to do our hw,
no one to yell at us for wearing make up,
we can be our selves.
individuals,
people who wear what they like,
people that dont al have to look the same,
act the same,
do the same things.
we can never go home,
spend nights out with friends.
we can have some love,
we can get a boyfriend,
we can make eachother happy,
but not for long.
becuase soon we will be back in that prison,
slaving away,
we will have to say goodbye to the friends we made,
put back on the boring old uniform,
and be an identical twin with the world.
we will have no freedome,
no happiness,
just hurt and a tone of rules.
im not sure i want to start them,
i dont want to have to come back afterwards.

xx

dear stephanie,

dear stephanie,

today

today was interesting.

i leart that tam likes to poo when some one is in the same room.
i also learnt that she likes to discribe it to the poor people in the toilet with her and scar them for life.
thanks tam :)
i shall never think of you in the same way.

i also smoked for the first time.
it was interesting.
it was warm and nice untill i breathed out and started dying.
i then was paranoid that my mum would smell it when i got in the car.
she didnt.
i can still taste it...
i need more gum.

so yep that was my day.

oooooooo! btw i got an interview at mlc next week.
should be good. yay for no make up and a super long skirt....

xx

just some words from the bible.

"Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul,to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more that hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? Why is life given to a man whose wait is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For sighing has become mydaily food; my groans pour out like water. What i feared has come upon me; what i dreaded has happend to me. I have no peace, no quietness; i have no rest, but only turmoil." - Job 3:20-26