2010

its time to let go of 2009

i will NEVER forget it.

NYE

best night.

oh my god.

ahhhhh.

i feel like death,

but i would so do it all again tonight!

ps. my new songs are memories from last night :) funny shit.

NYE IN THE CITY!!

fuck yess

here i come

sex

drugs

and

alcohol!

...

probs minus the drugs and possibly the sex.

haha

some how one smoke turned into a whole night out on the roof....

notes

for once i feel like i havent failed you.

i love you.

im glad i could help.

hahahahaha
events at the skate park:
- steph and caz are at skatey
- random bitch comes and calls them sluts the abuse her back
- she comes back with more pople
- abuses us
- steals our shit
- spits on us
- puts gum in steph
- fucking bitch slap that cut
- fight starts
- umpa lumpas dad rolls that bitch
- the police come
- they bail
- some stay get searched
- are told to leave.
we win haha

its just so..
i was ok with it untill..
yea.
mm

away

just run away and cry

just run away and die.

as usual i find myself having conversations with myself when i try to talk to you on fb,
you didnt reply at all. thanks, for as usual not listening and replacing me.

"Paris jones. how old are you ? 10 ? 11 ? 12 ? 13 this year ? wow. what a big girl you are. so. as you are SO big and a teenager now, i guess you will be learning the ways of this big world we live in. and soon, i am sure, you will start changing and having different opinions on things and begin to make up your own mind, instead of following what mum says. i know that you might think things are hard... and if you are like me, then you will have realised that as you get older, things don't get easier, they don't get less complicated. they get a fuck load harder and shit starts to happen that makes you - quite frankly - wish that maybe you'd never been born. or maybe you're not like that. maybe you're really happy. and if you are really happy, congratulations. but if you’re not really angry or super depressed, i can't think of why you would do this. are you trying to warn the world that if they smoke they will die ? there are adds for that. people get paid to do that. There are warnings put on cigarette packerts. its everywhere. on the radio, tv, internet, freeway, everywhere. Everyone is already aware of what smoking can do. You don’t need to publically victimise someone to help reinforce it. And now it’s my problem too, because this is one of my best friends you’re killing more than the cigarettes she smokes. do you know sarah? I know you go to the same school, but do you know her? I’m guessing not. Let me help you get to know her, because obviously you’ve made a judgement before you would even give her a chance. She is 14 this year, and she is finding it a bit difficult to cope with all the shit that is thrown at her. No thanks to you. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s nice. She’s beautiful. And she doesn’t deserve this. Maybe one day she will die from cancer. Or maybe it will be gangrene or something gross like that. But i think, infact i’m sure, that she knows that can happen. So please, stay out of it, and mind your own fucking business. I’ ve watched you do things like this to sarah for a while now. Continuously leaving rude comments on her status, creating conflict, just all round being a bitch. so i’d like to ask you to stop. Because you are one of the people who makes her want to do things like smoke. I guess if you put her picture up there, there should be one of you right next to it. Maybe yours should have a caption like “don’t be a judging bitch or you’ll end up like her.” Sometimes people need things spelt out for them so they can see wrong, and make a change. I hope after reading this you will make a change. Because if you did these things to someone who wasn’t quite as strong as sarah, they might not stick around like they are meant to. And that would be your fault. Don’t put those kind of things upon yourself, don’t ask for unhappiness."

alice commented that on the photo that paris posted.
thank you.
you actually have no idea how much i love you baby.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

what the fuck paris?!

"dont smoke youll end up like her"

bring me

party till you pass out,

drink till your dead.

dance all night till you cant feel your legs.

2010

so close to the end of the year,
it went so fast
yet so slowly
so much happend
so much changed
this roller coaster ride got a whole lot worse.
lets hope the new year brings good change.
not to much change
i guess..
i kinda like who i am atm
even if im a bit fucked up
:)

the getaway plan ♥

i heard a wisper in my ear
it said come with me away from here
and leave these burning buildings far behind
but it was far to late
so it all came crashing down

my mood:

i want to crawl into a ball and die
i want to cry my eyes out
i want to brake down
i want to just lay on my roof and smoke
i want to bleed
i need too.

it's christmas allready?

things that make me happy:
- people i love
- love
- old memories
- clear skied nights
- candles
- smoking
- parties
- vintage things
- markets
- water fights
- winter
- drawing
- staying up all night
- my roof
- photography
- my pencils
- make up
- christmas
- doing things we know we shouldnt
- rebelling
- climbing trees
- dreaming
- knee high socks
- summer nights
- the beach
- pluzzles
- my ipod
- my favourite bands
- the internet
- car trips with you
- you before you ditched me
- you being back
- doing what i want
- long hair
- birds
- generalpants co, chadtone
- my cats
- blogging
- feelings.

dearest alice,

baby, you can allways talk to me, you can allways call no matter what time of day for night.
you know that. dont you dare say im younger than you. dont ever let that make a difference.
i remember when we shared our problems. i want that back. i love you alice. whatever it is,
its going to be okay. xxxx

im not quitting just yet...

i love smoking

even if it is killing me.

i drew a picture...
drawing makes me happy
it makes me feel like im worth something
that im not a complete failiure.

numb.

yay i have photoshop on my computer now :)

councilling

i wounder what would happen if i went to councilling...

would it actually help?

it would involve telling my parents whats going on...

i keep dreaming about councilling,

its strange.

as i looked in the mirror
i screamed out inside
i cried
i couldnt controll my body as threw myself onto the bed.
so confused about what i have become.
"leave me" i screamed
"what did you do to her"
"where is she?!"
"stop controlling me"
"let me be free again"
"where is the old me?!... the happy me"
i fell to the floor
a complete mess
no better than when i started
more trapped than ever.

you dont wear my chains

you dont wear my chains,
you could never understand what i go though
untill you wear them too.
these chains
are chains
of addiction
of pain
of stuggle
of judgement
of sicumstances
of the world
of god.
i cant live like this anymore
these chains are killing me
ripping me apart
braking my bones
untill i cant move
im trapped
in these chains
unbrakable chains.

belief

i saw your post about you not being a boom leader anymore.
i saw the photos.
and as a stared
i saw things
i remembered the feelings

i remembered when i saw him

i remembered the day i was saved
i longed to be free again
knowing that god is the only way
i cried
also knowing that i will never turn back to him
because..
ive had a lot of time to think
ive heard alot of different opinions on god
and now i believe them all
i believe he is made up and fake
but i also believe he is real
i believe that once upon a time he touched me
he set me free
but now even if he gives second chances
i dont let myself have second chances,
like you hannah
this is the end of my boom experience.

i hope that yours last longer than mine

i hope that you are free forever

ill be missing you as i burn in hell.

you say ive never bled for you...
well the scars say different things...

jas darling,

oh im no more pathetic
than the rest of this sick world
maybe you should take a look in the mirror too
youll be suprised at what you see if you look hard enough.
babe, thats all i have to say
you irritate me so friggin much.
bye bye.
oh and i didnt name names cause im not that much of a bitch
but one of them allready said you were socialy retarted too
when you were fighting?
remember?
well as i said im not the only one that thinks this.
xx

come back

im so confused with what i was trying to say,
youre worth more than you think to.
love you

you left

i was your fault.
you left us
you left her.
i told you not to listen to them;
their stupid orders
that made us all do stupid things.
what makes you think you can just come back after all that?
you left.
and you hurt us
you hurt her.
there is no way we can just forget.
you ment so much to all of us.
but after all that i guess
i would still take you back.
not as close as before
but back.

good night

i love jo jo jellyfish
good roof conversations
this is what we do on my roof at 3 am :)
my roof is the best for smoking

nobody reads my blog

no one cares to comment and tell me it will be ok

no one even gives a shit anymore.

i say that as if they ever did.

reasons

I cut myself because its a way to have controll over my pain, for once

i can choose what hurts me. Its a way to escape, a way to let the

feelings flow, to find relief in pain for just a while. To punish myself

for the stupid things ive done. To bleed for my friends so they dont

have to, so your pain is mine. Because you dont deserve it, i do.

this is a fight till the death

i hate my parents.
you fucing piss me off,
everything you do,
everything you say.

my car trip home...
dasd pulled over cause mim wouldnt stop yelling at the top of her lungs.
we jumped out of the car and walked half way back to camberwell
we waited for a tram
dad comes over
he abuses us
we abuse him
finally get in the car
radio full blast
get out before hes stopped
he almost hits the other car with the door
we slam the car doors
i brake the gate
we go up stairs
slam the door
barrackade it
thank god i got amasig ipod speakers a few yrs back
screamo on full blast
mum comes up to tell us about dinner we ust scream at her.
im leaving tonight im gone
i think ill go to jo's
or see connor.

run away run away run away run with me
run away run away run away run with me
run away run away run away run with me
run away run away run away run with me.

no one to go to

im all alone this time...

rock bottom

i cant beleive i did that

i cant beleive

that when there was no one in the room

i stole the fifty dollars on the bench

all because i needed money for ciggs...

how low have i gotten..?

heart

its actually radiculous how i feel about you...

and you saying your confused makes it sound like you like more than one person...

please no...

please choose me

i need some one...

ill do anything.

words just cant discribe this feeling

so many feelings muddled up..
im so confused...

help me...

gave up

why did i do that..
i havent cut in weeks..
i was going so well..
i guess i will never be able to resist,
i will never be strong enough.
i needed that relief.

gahh

whats your problem?

stop being so socially retarted.

stop making up things in your head...

just ughhh!

fuck you.

your embarassing.

im kinda hopping you dont have my blog.

oh well i dont care anymore,

i give up on being nice.

just fuck off!

and stop fucking making me look like a loser.

escape the fate

haha you guys got me obsessed with escape the fate!

meow

la la la la la

day was shit-ish

mokay i guess

tomorrow should be better

hehe i realy like him...

over and over

lilly i really like your blog song

i would make it mine but then i would feel like i stole your song.

mm

wake up - arcade fire

i just listen to it over and over...

eee

hehhehehheeh :DD
so i was talking to the lovely connor camel
and as we were saying goodbye, BAM!
"heyy umm im just say it uhh i like youu so yea ciao"
hehe i like you too
not that i said that

i just did a smiley face :)

said bye x

and then left

i cant wait to see you tomorrow.

wowowowoowowowoowowow.

breathe.

great.

who am i?

i dont know how to explain my thoughts at the moment.
but here i go.

i asked my self the question....
who am i?
all i could think of that i was lost,
but lost inside myself
but that doesnt make sense
because then if i was lost im myself
what is it exactly im lost in?
and im lost in my life
does that mean i am the people around me?
i dont want to be them i want to be me
but then i realised
the me that i am trying to find
started as a nothing
i was the influenced by the people around me
what they did to themselves,
what they did to me,
how that made me feel.
and now im not blamming you for making me me
cause i would hate to to that
cause i hate myself,
yet i dont hate you.
im so confused,
so lost....
and look at that im back to the start.
i am nothing again.
nothing but a bunch of scars,
not just on the outside but the inside too.
and they are hurting,
they seem to be ripping open all over again
the things you say rip me open and sew me back together every day.
i have a good memory
i can remember everything anyone has ever said to me
these things change me every day
bring me up and down
the way you make me feel hurts me and heals me.

so that didnt really make much sense to me
so im guessing your lost to.

we are all lost.
does that mean we are all me?
or like me?
or am i like you?

hmm yes anyway.

hey want to have a threesome with me and my gf?
i really hope that some one had taken your phone...

20 pills later,
what did you really accomplish?
what if you actually died?
what would happen then?
what would i have done to myself...

salvation

oh but how i wish i could.

i wish you could save me too.

oops

FUCK
thats not what i ment!
only you can change you
we cant fix your life only you can
but we will allways be here loving you.
hannah...

fine

its not like that kinda maybe ruind my day even more...
i mean like the other day,
if you never intended on doing anything why did you get into that situation?!
" :( i ony have one rule, i do shit with people older or younger than me if ive had something to drink, its a dumb rule but eh"
what the fuck
dam right its a fucking dumb rule!
and its complete bullshit too.
had you been drinking on friday when you like fucking felt me up?
or was that an exception?
fuck you.
ill go "do shit" with connor then.

reasoning

as much as i want to believe you i dont.
maybe its like she said...
maybe its all for attention.

fuck off!!

i never thought i would say this
but fuck you brandon keenan
i am so fucking angry at you
stop fucking "hehe"-ing me and
just realise life isnt perfect
and you cant help me.
please go away
just for a bit.

please no

as i read your blog
i can not help to cry
i cry my heart out for you
i with there was something i could do
i wish that you knew that what your doing to yourself isnt worth it
fuck i feel like such a hypocrite...
its all ive wanted to do for months
i wish i could help
but i cant
i wish that when you called i fully understand whatwas going on
that i wasnt so out of it when you called
and that i could just say something that would change your life.
you need someone
something.
i just dont know what it is yet.

fuck my parents know about the vodka.
this going to be bad.

silent

i dont know how to tell you that you cant dump everything on us...

we cant fix your problems,

only you can.

we can love you and support you but only you can change

and sooner or later youll realise it.

youre the reason that their phones are on silent.

haha

we have been accepted at the skate park.

hahahahahaha.

tonight

hehe wow
well today was fun.
hahaha
ryans cute..
not ryan like alice ryan
but skate park ryan.
eww lana everywhere...
the same hands that touched her
touched me. :I
awkwardness everywhere.
oh my gosh mum was so close to catching us
"um noo ahh libby um drove us home..." :)
i probably shouldnt have said that.
mmm

painful words

i dont think she realises how much these insults hurt
all those names she calles me
every time she hits me
why does she do this to me...

sorry

i wish i could make it all better for you

im so sorry your like this...

im sorry i dont know what to do or say...

love you

libby!

LIBBYS BACK!
and shes going to take me to get my nose pierced :D
and her parents will be away soon and ill be able to stay at her house.
unfortunately she waid she wouldnt drive me to indented head... haha

hugs

to hug you was nice
its nice to know
that you still exesist
and that youre still breathing
i trust you.

you make me laugh

i love the way you

so un suspectingly

think she loves you

the way she thinks is different

you dont know anything

i love the way you are so mislead...

actually i hate it and love it all that the same time

i hate it cause i hate you

but i love it cause she loves me and i love her

more than you.

as usual.

lack of posts

sorry i havent posted anything in a while my internet died for a couple days...
LIBBYS BACK TOMORROW!

i feel as though im drowning

disappointing truth

the truth is sometimes so hard to hear
but i need to hear it
i cant expect you to fix my problems
i can only expect you to love me
when you come back on thursday
i wont ask much of you
i wont expect you to be perfect
beacuase i know youre only human to
i love you.
i cant wait.

this reminds me of you

here in your arms - hellogoodbye

"I like where we are,
When we drive, in your car
I like where we are.... Here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's 'Hello, I've missed you quite terribly'
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's 'Hello, I've missed you quite terribly'
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Our lips, can touch
Our lips, can touch...here

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's 'Hello, I've missed you quite terribly'
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's 'hello I miss you, I miss you'
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Here in your arms.
Here in your arms."

3:22 <3

it is now 3:22 and im finally going to bed

i stayed up talking to brandon..

we taked for over 5 hrs... wow...

it was worth it.

hehe

xx

run away

im just so sick of this,

i cant keep running away from everything that hurts

i need change.

i need to be free.

i need to learn how to fly again.

im not pretending.
if i dont know how you feel about her then tell me.
how do you feel about alice?
mhm.
dont tell me to get over it,
i cant get over it.
just like you cant stop hating her
except i have actually real reasons to hate you.
and dont tell me to get over myself.
steph i hate myself more than you could ever understand.

steph.

i dont know why i was ever friends with you.
you can be such a horrible person.
you cant just hate people for no reason.
you can form oppinions about people you dont know.
you dont know alice cause youve never tried.
i hate you so fucking much.
why do you do this?
why the fuck are you so immature...
just get over it
stop playing your little fucking games in your head and wake up.
and when you do,
come back and say sorry to all the people you have hated for no reason
and maybe say sorry to all those guys you used too.
bye till then.
ps. im not a whore. though i try my best for you. xx

mitchelldavis//owl city

haha so i watched all the videos mitchell davis has made, i was so bored.

now i feel like lestening to owl city, so i am.

"cheer up and dry your damp eyes, and tell me when it rains"

oh god there i go... im crying

fuck i cant even listen to this with out thinking of you.

sorry about what i said earlier,

im still not sure if i ment it or not.. i did...

but i didnt.

i dont know.

as usual.

mm.

alice

for you i try my very best to be happy,

you make me happy.

its just some other things in life that bring me down.

xx

i dont even know what to say.

i guess you

maybe may have...

ruind

my

day.

mm.

why does it have to be like this?!

i never want to see you ever again.