oops?

ahh i gave my blog to andy
AHHHH
AHHHHHH
AHHHHH
AHHH
AHHHH
....
why did i do that...
ehh.

hi andy!

nurses costume

HELLS YEAA!!
I GOT THE NURSES COSTUME!

WOOOO.

ill put up photos after the party.

xx

mother dearest.

i'm really angry i want the nurses outfit.
my mum is so gay.
she like wouldn't say why it was so obvious but
i wanted to hear her say it.
she wouldn't say it to my face.
i love my dad he was full on like Di just let them wear what they want. its fine, its appropriate for Halloween.
he did tell me to use my judgement on what was apropperiate.
if it was my choice i like wouldn't wear anything.

i feel sick.
there is like shit stuck in my throat.
my face is so stuffy.
just went to go have a drink.
it didnt help.
this rainy weather is making me depressed.
i hope it clears up by tomorrow for the party.
ehh i dont want to be at school.

fine

alice im fine without you,
fucking incecure 'n' emotional.

Rhia will live on.

dear ashy,
i love you so much
i know that this hurts
butt you are so strong
i know you will make it.
you know i will allways be here for you,
no matter what time of the morning
you can call and we can talk.
im not going to be like everyone eles,
i want to be someone who listens,
im not going to force you to talk.
i will allways try to help.
i will help you make it all better.
im not saying that im going to fix your life,
thats impossible no one can do that,
no one can bring her back,
but just remember she will never be gone
she died loving you and still does.
her memory will live on forever through your life.
i didnt know her but you did,
so you can tell me all about her.
she wouldnt want you to forget her
but she also wouldnt want you to make your life miserable
because shes not with you anymore,
she would want you to be happy and move on,
there will allways be times when you miss her,
but dont let them make you sad,
they should make you happy,
happy for being apart of her life,
let her still be part of yours,
let her never leave you.
make her proud baby.
i love you.
its going to be ok.
xxxx

*insert feeling here*

im trying to find the words to explain the way i feel,
its just to hard,
it is if the words just dont exist.
ugh life is to hard,
maybe i just shouldnt exist.

dear brooke,

your drawings make me weak in the stomach,
so amasingly humbled,
i cant explain it,
i dont know why they make me feel like this
but they do.
they are amasing.
you are amasing,
i dont really know you,
but there is something about you that draws me in.
something that i want to have,
maybe you dont know you have it,
but there is this sense of hope about you,
this radiating light that could create light in any darkness.
im sorry if i sound all stalker-ish and creepy,
but thats just how i feel.
xx

leader before friend.

leader before friend.
that like saying if one of your urbs kids and one of your friends said they were going to kill themselves that you would say to bad to your friend and go help the urbs kid.
im glad to know you care.

holloween ;)

YAY fucking halloween party on saturday!

so increadibly excited.

should be fun ;)

just so you all know i do plan on getting completely smashed.

like really drunk.

anyway yep.

that will be great...

if im not sick.

if i am i will kill myself.

anonymous

who ever you fucking are i am going to kill you. i willl fucking come after you and light your hair on fire. you have to fucking right to say that. if your that fucking big and great and have the right to say that then tell us who you are? fuck wit. you souldnt have said that, we are not sluts, we may have more of a love life than you but we are not sluts, we may have short dresses but we are not sluts, we may like guys alot but we are not sluts. nobody hates us accept for you clearly, if i knew who you were i bet i could name alot of people that hate you too. you are the one that is stuck up. i just lost alot of respect for who ever you are. go fuck yourself.

fucking social dramas

THATS SO FUCKED UP!?!!
so some girls in my class today told me that mrs o said anna (one the girls that wasnt allowed to come to the social because she wasnt at school that day) could have come to the social if steph didnt stay home too. how the fuck its that logical. steph was fucking sick too! she wasnt fucking wagging. stephs mum called the school, clearly that prooves she was actually sick. so was anna. ugh thats so fucking fucked up mrs o clearly hates steph. and now anna isnt at school coz shes angry, oh wow coz thats not considered wagging. ugh and now fucking anna is mad at steph. steph did nothing fucking wrong, if steph did something wrong so did anna. FUCK IM JUST SO ANGRY I SWEAR ONE DAY I WILL KILL MRS O. and just so you all know, i laughed when mrs o's dad died, i found it funny that she was in pain. now she knows how it feels.

mail

i dont know what to expect,

what to feel,

how to feel,

i am completely numb to this subject.

actually i know i feel one thing..

that is im scared.

im scared about whats going to be in my mail box.

how its going to make me feel,

what the emotions are going to drive me to do,

or will it be fine?

should i be scared?

we are not fighting nor are we friends.

i dont think of you the same,

ive seen a side of you i didnt want to see

an anrgry side that said things that hurt,

things that cut deep.

and yes i think its your fault its like this between me and her.

if you had just never said those horrible words.

that made me think,

that made me analise everything she had ever said.

do i think of her in the same way?

i dont know.

i dont belive you love me.

your blog says there will be change,

i dont like change,

it hurts,

because with everything good that comes

you have to let go of something eles,

and i dont think i want to.

i dont think i want to ever open my mail ever again.

strength

she wanted to call some one,

txt some one, anyone.

she scrolled through her phone contacts,

stopping and stairing at the people she used to call,

but moved on knowing it would never be like that again.

she couldnt keep her mind of the shiny metal blades,

the pretty poison,

the relief she wanted do badly,

it had been about two weeks.

but she couldnt keep them out,

she couldnt controll her hands as they reached for the blades,

she slid them across her skin,

a trail of red was left,

soon to become a river,

rolling down her flesh like the tears on her cheeks.

she wasnt strong enough this time,

will she ever be?

to hard.

its to hard to explain my day and my feelings.
i really hate life.
i hate people.
if i could i would kill them all but um no.
ugh fuck this.

that girl

i wanna be that girl

he gives his hoodie to wear

and cuddles up next to when its cold,

he'll be the one that comes up behind me,

wraps his arms around my waist,

catches me of guard and whispers

"you look beautiful"

some one.

i need...

some one to hold me when im scared

some one to only have eyes for me

some one to dream about me

some one who will get lost in my eyes

some one to talk to for hours on end

some one to tell me im beautiful

some one that will make me melt inside

some one who wil give me butterflies

some one to wrap their arms my waist

some one with a shoulder to sleep on

some one that will allways catch me of guard

some one that will hold me forever and never lett go
some one to love me more than anyone eles
some one like you.

will you be my some one?

tegan and sara

oh.my.gosh.
i forgot how much i loved tegan and sara.
im listening to them now.
i got obsessed a whiel back.
now i know all the lyrics to all their songs.
so many memories atached to these songs.
kinda sad.
yup thats right im cring as i type this.
one of these songs reminds me of my ex so much.
wow, painful memory, great song.
im going to give you the privillage of listening to them as you read.
ill make a playlist of them soon.

take a bow.

yep thats right im real great at fucking up my life!
i think i deserve some kind of award.
thats right you clap as i take a bow,
ive put in so much effort,
i have tried so hard to be happy,
guess what?
thats right i failed again!
amazing i know.

hands

oh cant you see what these hands have done.

lilly

i dont want to be angry at you anymore.

i, i... dont know what to say to you.

does there really have to be some "distance"

%^#^#*)#_*(@&*)#&&#___*#*&#%$

inhale, exhale, repeat...

social, yay?

yay the social is on friday...

not sure why im happy i hate socials

they are just bad music and people trying to impress eachother.

plus camberwell boys guys are gross.

oh well its an excuse to get a new dress

and put on pretty clothes and make up.

im going to have a good time with my friends.

ill get a dress tomorrow on chapple st.

hmm.

100th post.. kinda..

crap i missed it.

oh well lets celebrate now.

ONE HUNDREDTH POST!!

thank you for reading my blog.

im glad its not a complete disaster like everything eles in my life.

xx

lover you

he just added me on msn.
oh my god.
:O
could my life get any better??
i havnt even taked to him in ages....
wow
hiperventilate!!!
i love him.
probably one of the most awsome people ever.
ps. i am not a stalker, we are friends.

i cant sleep.

i cant sleep.

but this time its not because im so depressed...

it because im happy?

i cant even decide if i really am happy...

i have no reason to be happy,

my world is falling apart and

my best friend want to kill herself...

and im happy?!

somethings got to be wrong...

and untill i figure this out i dont think i wil be able to sleep.

lovee libby long time

i love libby cotter soo much its hard to understand.
great. now you know. :)

stop judging, and grow up.

just a reminder to stephs parents:

i am not a bad influence

i am not devious

i am not dull

i am not dtopping steph from learning

i am not thick

you do not no me.

stop fucking judging me.

and let steph come to mlc.

youre so fucking fucked up.

END OF.

advice

a facebook app told me to just kill myself.

it was an app that was suposed to give me advice...

if i die, blame it on facebook.

i dont actually hate you

so i sent her a txt:

hi, i miss you. ive missed you for a long time, just now more than ever. im really sorry. i never ment what i said. im not sure if its just the fact that ive fucked up everything in my life over the last couple of weeks or if i just, wait im not usre where that sentence was going... anyway i need a good comfy shoulder to cry into. i am truely sorry. forgive me? please? um yer. i would really like it if we could be friends again cause i really need some of them right now.

xx love you i guess, if its ok with you.

she hasnt replied.

im hopping its because she still hasnt found her phone...

im worried.

goodbye?

goodbye.

i dont understand why youre going

but ill accept it,

ill move on.

i just want you to know that this hurts,

this hurts alot,

more than you could ever imagine.

and to be honest,

i hope it hurts you too.

why couldnt you have just told me sooner?

told me yourself?

afraid youll hurt me?

well you allready have,

i hate secrets.

i hate the fact that you kept this from me.

did you allways feel like this?

did you really ever care?

i dont believe your words.

i dont believe that you truely love me.

it doesnt make sence.

but i guess i have lernt that life doesnt make sence,

and it is sick an twisted,

the worlds aim is to suck you in a fuck you over.

and you are just another one of my mistakes.

it hurts to think that when alice said

"its ok youll never be alone you have lilly and hannah while im gone"

that she had no idea what was going to happen.

are you going to do this to her too?

or do you actually truely care about her.

please dont hurt her like you have me.

she doesnt deserve it.

neither do i but thats just life.

maybe life isnt realy worth living...

i wish it wasnt like this.

i love you.

ps. we were friends.

just a friend that i could go to when i needed to talk.

obviously not.

caz

happy birthday baby!

red tears

deeper than before,

yet it hurts so much less,

the relief so much more.

it wont last for long though.

influences

i cant help but think...

if you never got exposed to the idea of cutting,

would you have started?

would you have considered it as relief?

if you never knew me would you be unhappy?

numb, again

is there anything to numb this numbness?

please?!

finding reasons

i dont want to talk to you.

i dont want to talk to anyone.

i just want to be alone.

alone to sort through this mess,

to find a reason to live,

if there is one anymore.

goodbye.

past lies

so you say its all lies. maybe it was, or maybe your lying now to keep your rep. i still hate you. ive believed the lies and im not going back. this is not going to be over untill i know everything. i odnt even know how it started anymore. i want to know who this someone is, the one who suposively told you everything. was it who i think? i try to block out the thought. the thought that she would betray me like that. please just let this be over. for it to be over i have to talk to you and i dont think i can. i dont think i can look at you the same way. i dont think i cant look at anyone the same way anymore. the world has changed. or maybe its me.

hmm

there are no words to discribe this feeling.
this numbness.
and its all my fault.

my drawing

i did some drawing last night,

i did another one but i like this one better.

i don't know what to call it...

drawing

i really feel like drawing,

i havent done any propper work in months...

i miss drawing.

drunk

i want to go off and party,

party until im so drunk i cant see straight,

so that i dont have to think,

i dont have to remember anymore.

i want to find some one that will hold me,

some one that will make me feel loved.

mask

sometimes when i'm walking home i pass people in the street

and i wonder what their lives are like.
and what they see when they see me.
i want to know who these girls are beyond their pretty faces.

don't you?

remember.

why did i randomly start going through all the msn conversation history..?
why did i remind myself of how much i wish i had some one like that again?

"i carved our names in to a tree today :) its said rory <3 rah 4eva."
"aww" "i love you so much, never leave me"
"i wont, i love you so much baby"
"(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)"

well look how long that lasted.
fucking dick head.

you

theres not really much to say.

i told you so

one thing...

does this mean i cant call her anymore?

because of what happend between me and you?

does she feel the same?

i dont know what to do.

that voice in my head is getting louder.

and this time no matter how loud i scream,

no matter how lound my music is,

no matter how much i cry ist not going away.

"i told you so"

"i told you so"

"i told you so"

"i told you so"

"i told you so"...

i think i need to call you.

no no no no.

lesson ive leart a million times.

people will allways let you down.

i dont think i will ever tell them again.

this is really hard.

i dont think i could be stupid enough to trust anyone ever again.

i put so much faith in you it was stupid.

they will never allways be there for you.

often when you need them the most.

put your trust in yourself coz youre the only one out there.

everything or nothing.

i should have lsitend.
i should have listend the that little voice in my head,
warning me,
"you'll only get hurt"
"it's not worth it"
"she doesnt really like you"
"you see the way she doesn't hug you back anymore?"
"she hates you"
i should have seen it coming,
the knife in her hand,
at the ready,
ready to stab me right in the heart,
while i stare her in the eyes.
if she feels no pain well good on her.
but i do.
and this hurts so much.
it started with a simple question.
and has ended in a tangled heart,
a new question,
a new problem to solve.
how will i deal with this..
the shiny metal sinks in,
its pretty poison numbs the pain,
but not nearly enough.
i want you to stay,
i dont know what im going to do without you.
but i guess thats life.
its just really painful.
i dont know how to soothe the pain this time.
goodbye.
forever.

human

this made me cry.

alone

you know how they say you are not alone in this,
that others have been through this too,
that they have done the same things?
i really wish it wasnt true.
i wish i was the only one that had to go through this.
no one else deserves to live like this.

its my fault this time

why did you have to tell me that.

i caused her hurt this time.

fuck fuck fuck.

why did i say that to her.

why are my words allways misinterpreted?!

letter

i think im going to write her a letter.

im not sure i want to.

im kinda angry at her.

would she really care if i didnt.

she has others to write to.

she has my replacements.

if feel so alone.

you said i wasnt.

i am.

your not here.

i dont think you ever will be again.

or maybe ill be the one thats gone.

bye baby.

just friends

ill go out with you.

but as friends.

nothing more.

im sorry.

its just the way it is

xx

call me

"call me if you need and we can sit in silence

and say so many things.."

constant fucking screaming

just drown out the constant screaming in your head with some really loud music.

bad fucking mood.

i dont know anymore.
im not sure that i ever did.
this is no longer just relief,
its an addiction.
fucking hate this.
whhy the fuck am i talking to myself.
nobody fucking reads this anyway.
i just want to screm as loud as i can.
i want to have soem of your pretty poison.
i want to feel it slide across my skin.
fuckingchdbiufuzfdlg
AHHHHHHH?!?! WHY??!? WHY...

i just know

i love you so much.

i hardly know you.

but i know that we will be great friends.

i can tell.

i get this feeling.

ive had it before with others.

i love you.

i hope youre ok.

dont cry.

i think i actually hate you.

when we talk i hold back.

i dont feel like i can talk to you anymore.

i dont know if i can trust you.

you are amasing.

well..

you were,

then shit happened and you met them

we saw you and i heard there comment.

it hurt me.

you hurt me.

your not the girl i used to love.

your not the one that kept me safe.

i want her back.

i want the old you.

you followed us.

im sorry i hurt you.

im sorry i said those things.

you hurt me too.

you dont realise how much you have hurt me.

"i think i actually hate you"

the look on you face broke me.

i couldnt speak.

you know why im angry.

i want you back.

youre not like this,

you wouldnt do that to me.

puzzle

my mind is a total confusion.

a traffic jam.
a puzzle to be solved,

but of course it cant.

no one can.

im so numb.

i cant do this anymore.

this hurts

i love you so much.

but i dont want you to love me,

i dont want to get hurt.

i dont want to hurt you.

im sorry.

this hurts already.

phone calls

dear best friend,

sorry i was awkward on the phone.

i wanted to pour my troubles out and tell you,

i find it hard though,

hard to let someone hear my voice,

so ashamed,

id rather just talk on chat.

xx

cut myself to sleep

its happend again.
somethings stopping me.
i hold the blade to my skin but i just cant do it.
i hate this.
i need releif.
why is the voice in my head trying to torture me!
pleasse PLEASEEE!!??! i scream out inside.
just let me sleep.
let me cut myself to sleep.

disappearance

you've changed.

you were bad.

go got so much better.

you had a car crash.

left boom.

were still in love with god.

started working 24/7

met some people there.

and went slidding back down.

you may be "happy" now.

but you arnt helping me.

i said some really bad stuff to you,

i poured my heart out.

you didnt even listen.

not caring.

you then told me you did care.

but i can tell you dont really.

you can see what you have become.

PICK YOUR SELF UP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AGAIN!

whats happned to you.

i need you more than ever and you off partying.

what happend to allways being there?!

i should have known.

its im possible to be here for me forever.

it just hurts alot.

i dont think you even realise whats happening to me because of you.

where did the real you go?

bye bye

you're going away for a while.

i wont forget the words you said,

the way you tightly wrapped your arms around me,

i wont forget you.

i just cant understand...

dont you love me any more?

i know you said you loved me but..

its just..

you dont tell me whats going on anymore,

i feel like im the outsider,

the one that nobody truly likes.

you didnt even write me a letter.

am i being replaced?

by her?

wow.... just like i replaced the one before?

this hurts.

you said i wasnt alone and i had them.

i dont.

im alone.

and they are my replacements.

im not sure if i want to be friends with them then...

it hurts to much.

i hate secrets.

he wont

its just that one thought stuck in my head...

why would he go out with me if he could go out with her?

he wont.

you tell me

you tell me im so precious to you,

you tell me you love me more than i can ever know,

you tell me i have changed your life,

that i fill a hole in you that no one eles can,

you tell me im no burden,

that when i call you in the middle of the night that you dont mind,

you tell me you love spending time with me,

you tell me you need me, you would die without me,

you say that you will allways be here with me.

dont just please dont,

it makes the things i do when im alone in the dark so much more painful.

but do tell me because these are the thoughts that keep me going.

i love you so much.

but i dont know if i can truly believe you.