so there goes that...

so aciording to his friend....
"ummm he says that hes got a million other chicks but thats its just his ego. he really loves the attention. x" he then said "Dnt worry there are probably a million other guys lining up for you. :) xx" I DONT WANT THEM I WANT HIM! ehh i give up.

i have found love <3

he makes me happy.
hes hot.
hes kind.
his jacket has more warmth than any jacket that i have been given.
he has a good taste im music.
you could get lost in his eyes.
his smile could save the world.
hes the perfect hight.
i could hug him for ever.
he has a hot name. ha.
i think i have found love.
a reason to be happy.
i hope he feels the same.

xx

katie

i missed you.
i was happy when you called.
im glad you havent forgotten me.
im glad that you still see me as the same little kid i used to be;
innocent, "rad", but most of all happy.
i miss her too.
i love you so much please never judge me.
never just this of me as a bunch of scars.
im sorry i was angry at you.
now i understand what you are going through, i get it.
its fine.
im glad your ok.
please never leave me.
thank you.

xx

at war with myself.

i fight with myself as i go to sleep at night.
im sorry if i seem mean, i dont do it on purpose its just im trying to find answers.

oh and one thing to "her"
why are you trying to controll my life, stop me from getting help and forcing me to talk to you. i push you away a million times but you only come back. you are not helping you are making my life hell. fuck off.

frigging blog!

so its not letting me upload pictures atm. so yer sorry bout that.

xx

get me out of here!

im sorry that i havent posted in a copple of days, i have just been realy shit.i am pushing away the ones i love, the ones that can help.or maybe they cant help. all the ppl i ask they only answer they can give me is god. but i dont want god. i want help, i want love and i want a different answer.
dont tell me to just distract myself becuase thats impossible, i think about it 24, 7. the only answer i can think of is death.
but in the realy worls thats not a very good desision.
i dont want to hurt the ppl around me, i dont want them to be lost like me.i just need to get away from this.

xx

ugh

i would write a blog about how i feel...
but im to fucking pissed of and depressed.
so called best friend.

unintentional suicide attempts.

i think i subconsiously try to kill myself.

lately i have been really out of it.

so today i was on the phone to my friend waiting for the lights to go. so when i hear the lovely clicking noise, i walk onto the road. half way across the road my eyes focus and i realise the lights hadnt actaually gone yet and that i was in the middle of a busy main road with cars coming at me from both directions... not so great. so as i casually turn around still completely out of it and still talking to my friend on the phone i walk back to the foot path where many girls that go to my school are standing. i was completely humilliated still unsure of what had actually just happend. i allways go to walk oto the road but usually manage to realise as i talk the first step, this time i didnt. my theory is that its just my mind trying to kill myself trying to get away from all this hurt and pain becuase its just geting to be to much.

xx

sick

my stocmach is sick,
my mind is sick,
my body is sick,
and all i want to do is give up.
but i wont.
i will be ok.
i have help all around me

xx

Daria

i liked that show.

if daria was real,

she would understand me.

we would be best friends.

we would watch sick sad world together,

and complain about the fashion club.

it would be great.

oh well..

fake

some one told me to just choose to be happy.

you can just choose to be happy...

i dont choose to be depressed,

hate myself and everything around me.

if you chose to be happy wouldnt it just be fake?

i dont want to be fake.

i choose to be real, not unhappy.

i choose to be true to myself.

i just wish that the real me was happy.

xx

:(

ugh i fucked it up again.
its all i ever do.
its all ill ever be.
a fuck up.

xx

light in the darkness

i am told i will make it through and at the end of this tunnel there is light,an end to this darkness. they say that when its over i will be stronger and with much more knowlage so i can help others in my position.

i dont think i belive them.

its to dark to see the light at the moment.

its to far off.

xx

just some thoughts

i hadnt cut in awhile until tonight.
but tonight was harder than usuall.
something was holding me back, stopping me.
i just held the razor to my skin and then as i went to do it,
i dont know... i would just stop.
what was it?
was it just a little voice in the back of my head telling me the truth?
telling me it wouldnt really help,
that it was just a lie and that i was addicted to a kinfe.
reminding me of the pain i would feel after the relief.
or was it God telling me these things?
has he really given up on me?
would he really do that?
or is it just another lie i have forced myself to believe.
i really dont know anymore.
i dont think i can tell the difference between a lie and the truth anymore.

xx

ashamed

i really dont know what to say.
i dont want to say anything.
i am to ashamed to think about my life,
and what a fucking idiot i am.
i want you to know.
but i cant tell you.
anyway, you probably wouldnt be listening.

xx

different

i dont even recognise the person i see in the mirror any more.
ive changed. i do things i would never have done in the past.
today i stole a razor from my friend. i cant even get one myself.
im sorry if you just read that, i needed it.
ugh im so fucking angry at myself.
my so called best friend is also being a bitch.
she goes through stages of being really pissy for no reason.
so now shes telling me who i sould be friends with. ugh.`
it really upsets me. i used to think i could trust her.

now i dont at all. i hide the real me. she sees right through me. she knows im depressed but doesnt understand why.
is it really that hard to figure out?
and why is my other friend angry?
why is she hinding whatever it is from me?
i dont understand... i just want to help :(

xx

sceaming out inside.

im not really sure at the moment.

when i see them i feel accepted, loved. yet they go though the same things as me and worse, they know what to say but they cant say it becuase it would be too hypocritical. for them to help means the world but.. she used to be so amasing now when i see her it breaks my heart and then the other girl wont even tell me whats happening and didnt even come tonight. they are both truely beautiful people. so tonight it just became to much everything that was bottled up was making me sick. after maccas i didnt know what to do, i had so much confused energy so i desided to jump on some bushes out side maccas... we then made our way to the tram stop where i stood on the tracks for a while the waked away kicing the rocks and trowing the as hard as i could. then i collapsed uder a tree just laying there, atempting to breathe and just staring up at the sky. eventually she came over and got me. made me feel like she truely cared for a bit. then after i got off the tram i ran for a while,they caught up and i just walked slowly behind for a bit. once we got to boom i lay dont on the cair and she came and sat with me, we didnt really talk, just sat there hugging, breathing, thinkning. we were forced to go inside. the whole time i thought about knives as i sat there rocking, scratching at my arms and punching my legs. she tried to stop me occasionally hugging me. i just put my face in my hands ashamed to look at the people around me. occasionally she would do the same, punch her legs and stuff, she just kept staring at her hands. now im at home searching for some sharp objects, confused and just as alone as ever. i want to talk to her. i want to find out everything about her. i want to tell her everything about me. i want to be able to fully tell some one my feelings, not just abit of them. well im off to cut my limbs and punch some stuff.

im screaing out for help on the inside.

xx

put lyrics to my life.

things make more sence

when turned into a song,

make my life a song,

make me understand.

<3

our school is creepy...

today we learnt the hard way that our school can track/read txt messages we send during the day... yes i know right breach of privacy!!! is that even legal?!?! what next video cameras! they can all ready watch our computer screens and read out txts! anyway. the school now thinks we are even worse people and that we are all going to commit suicide. i mean at times i wish i was dead, i wish i was never born, and i consider doing it. BUT i would probably never actually do it because i would hate to be the cause of others pain and maybe even lead them to death. also... i dont know where im going anymore, when i got saved i knew it i knew i would go to heaven and be with God, but now im not so sure... i think hes given up, he wont answer, and he just doesnt seem to want to help anymore. sigh. but yes my school is creepy and gay. hopefully i will be gone by the end of the yr. im off to an open day tomorrow which should be good. :)

xx

ps. fuck you ondracek (spelling wth) and hunter, you are bitches.

when will i feel loved again?

i am drowning in my thoughts, so overwhelmed. i long to cut, to feel the cool metal blade against my skin, to feel relief as i watch the blood seep out. instead i lay here, a million thoughts and feelings racing through my head. i can do nothing but lay here shaking, crying out for help. i push the pain in deeper trying to forget. but of course it doesnt help it only makes things worse. i need to get rif of it, release it. i become numb, so used to the feeling of hurt and betrayal. i feel so lost, if i stood in a room with with every one eles in the world i would steel feel alone and unloved, no matter how many times you tell me, no matter what you do or say, its just to hard for my broken heart to believe. i hate the fact that so many people that i am really close to dont have a clue how i feel, they dont know what i do behind closed doors. i hate to have them tell me im amasing or beautiful because they dont know me; they know my mask, the pretend me. its not even me at all. they wouldnt understand the real me, they would just worry. i hate it when people worry, the thought that i am the cause of their pain is just to much for me to stand.
will i ever feel loved again?
xx

my new found escape...

i am rah.

this is my attempt to escape the real world, to share my thoughts, feelings and confusion, i hate having bottle up the pain inside. i'm sick of self harm to find relief. im so sick of just running away from my fears and worries. this is my new relief, my new way to escape.

xx